Free Association

I watched two episodes of Jon and Kate + 8.  I love Jon and Kate + 8, by the way, seriously one of my favorite shows.  It made me think about how I can't wait to have like 8 of J's babies.  Or 2.  Or 1.  Or 8.

Speaking of J, he was at work tonight...so it was just me and the condo and the dogs and my thoughts.  I've been quite irritable this week so it was nice to have a night alone.  But when I called J to say goodnight and said if he gets off work after 2 or 3 could he please sleep in the guest room because I need my precious sleep, his response was, "But it's cold in there without you."  I missed him tonight.  And that's pretty big considering we've been on broke-people's budgets the past 2 weeks spending every minute not at work at home together.

I am so lucky in a lot of ways and one of the biggest is that I haven't lost very many people in my adult life.  Of my grandparents, I only have one living grandmother, so I've lost elders in my life, but I mean people around me in day-to-day life.  This past weekend one of my coworkers who had since moved on to a new job committed suicide.  It hit me harder than I'd expected.  Ever since I knew him I could sense an unrest in him, but it was a huge shock, and I think I was numb for most of the phone call when I found out.  Such a sad situation that is still leaving tragic ripples afterwards.  I haven't finished sorting through my thoughts on it, but I have to just say that yeah, I am still thinking about it.

For the amount of extreme exhaustion I've felt this past week, tonight is my first night solo.  I thought I'd go to bed early after a bath, perhaps with a book or my journal.  Here it is, half past 11 and I think I'm waiting up so that when J gets home I can hug him and tell him thank you. I put up a vinyl quote on my wall in my office tonight (another blog in itself) and it says, "May you live all the days of your life in love."  I think I picked it out of the 100 other choices because the other night when I was making dinner, J came up behind me as I chopped vegetables, kissed me on the back of my neck, handed me a cocktail that he'd made and said, "When we're ninety, I'm going to bring you a drink at cocktail hour just like Gramps does for Grams."  And even though it was a small statement, the sentiment behind it gave me goosebumps.  And for all the things that will happen between now and ninety-three, I am excited to experience them.  But for a second, I closed my eyes to try and catch a glimpse of us, God willing, talking about submarine races and politely demanding cheese and crackers at cocktail hour.  Old and weathered and gray and still thanking God every night for giving me this man.